Virtual Schools

Virtual schools are schools that are based on the new technology of the 21st century. They are different from other schools in their teaching methods. Unlike regular schools, Virtual schools teach their students on the internet, through online lessons. The teacher talks to the pupils through a microphone and the students can ask questions at(ww.) the chat.

On the one hand, virtual schools use very advanced technology and it looks like a better way to teach the students. The lessons are on line, talking to the teacher by using a microphone, which gives them the option to be everywhere they want. It also motivates to(מיותר) the pupils to study, and they can not bother each other like (they do) in class.

On the other hand, virtual schools can not have the advantage, like(ww. - of) working together in class, feeling what the teacher is trying to "pass" them with his body movement.(phr.- you are translating this from Hebrew. Look for a different way of explaining your slef ) There are some disadvantages to online schools, like technical problems. (what other disadvantages are there? It seems you haven't completed this paragraph properly).

To sum up, I think that virtuals schools can be a very good teaching way(ww.), but they can not replace the old, regular schools. Our technology is not good enough to solve all the problems at(ww.) online schools and I think we should keep the old fashion way, and study in the regular schools.

A bit better, but there is still work to do.
(85)
Daphna

45 Hofyen street
Holon
3 December 2009



Mrs. Gilat Simon
Principal
Kugel High School
1 Mota-gur street
Holon

Dear Madam,

Every year Israei students and teachers go on a trip to Poland. This trip is very important to Israelis and Jews. I am writing to complain because many children in my school want to take part in the trip, but some of them are not able to go because of the high price of the trip.

First of all, students and teachers go on this trip all over the country every year.
The journey is planned by the the ministry of Education for any 11th grade student in every school. The main idea of this trip is to preserve the memory of the Holocaust and teach the new generation about it.

In addiotion, the journey and the kids who go to Poland keep the ceremony(what? don't you mean - memory?) in our country alive to "remember and never forget". It just shows how is(מיותר) the journey is important. But, just like I said before, it is too expensive, although the government is able to fund some of the money.

In conclusion I am very disappointed about(ww. - with) the "tries(ww.- attempts)" to help kids who can not afford the money for the journey. I think that the government can use some money from the education buget and pay some of the funds.

I look forward to a propmt reply.

Sincerely yours,

Shoval Yosef


This is better. Good work.
(90)
Daphna

George

George is a 20 year old young man.He is bony, just like his sister, and lives in New York with his father and sister. George is quite lazy and does not have any education, although he says he does. He wants to get an education but he is too lazy to do anything about it. He has gone through a process and at the end he is finally back on the right path.

George grew up in a poor, small neighborhood, where everyone knows each other. He had some relations with girls and other kids but they got weaken(phr. - find a different way to say he is lonely and hardly no friends) because he did not see them anymore. Generaly he did not leave his house and did not meet them at school because he is a drop out(phr.and gr. - "because he dropped out at the age of 16").

George has two close people in his life; his sister and Mr. C. His sister cares about him but does not see him much becauseof her job. She tries to help him but it does not work. But Mr.C makes him change the way his life. At the end of the story George starts reading at the library, just like he said he did(gr. - would) to Mr.C. He picked up his education and finally got into the real life.(phr. - "began to live his life").

To sum up, I think that George should do something with his life. He messed up once when he dropped out (of) school, but thanks to M.C, he got back to(ww. - on) the right path. The story does not give us more information about George's life. I think it(מיותר) that the story could be a lesson for 16 yearsold kids like him. - there is no connection between the two last sentences here.

This is better, but there is still a bit of work to do.
(77)
Daphna

Book Report - Its a book review, not a book report

"Snow Falling On Cedars" is a book I have read. It is a mystery book with a little drama. The writer of the book is David Guterson, which(ww.) gave the book a very weird title that get(ww. and gr.) clear just(ww.) after all the book have read.(phr.)

The story takes place in San Piedro in 1954, just after the war second world war. Both of the two main characters are affected by the war: one by the war itself, Ishmael Chambers, that fought in the war against Japan. And the other, Hatsue, is affected by the war because it hurt her family just when they immigrated to the US.

The plot of the story starts with a "love story" between Ishmael and Hatsue. They loved each other but Hatsue knew they could not be together because she was Japanese and he is(gr.) not. A years later, Ishmael became a jury(phr. - you can not become "a jury", you can only become a member of tghe jury) at the courthouse in the island, in the trial of Hatsue's husband, (who) was accused of murder.

To sum up, I loved to read the book, I think that the plot (where is the verb?)interesting and everyone can read it at any age. Although there are "empty" parts in the story where nothing happen(gr.). I think that it could be much better if there was another "side plot" in the story.

(70)
Daphna

Unhealthy Food

Eating unhealthy food makes us reacte more aggressively compared to eating healthy food, which makes us more calm and relaxed. If we want to change our reality of eating unhealthy food someone has to take the responsibility. Who is it? The consumers, or the manufacturers?

I think that the consumers should take the responsibility for the food they buy. Everyone knows how different foods effect on their body. No one tells us what to eat, and how to behave but ourselves. If the consumers want to buy and eat unhealthy food, I think they know what the effects will be.

In addition, the manufacturers put in the back of the product what it includes, to prevent cases of allergy and health problems. If people see what the components are,they are the only responsible for buying it or not. There is no better way to help people buy healthy or unhealthy food with their own money except this way.

To sum up, people should take the responsibility for their food. They have the choice to decide for what they buy with their own money.The only thing they should do is check out the components in the back of the products for healthy or unhealthy food.

This is much better
(90)
Daphna

Formal Letter

34 Even Gvirol street

Tel Aviv

2 1 September 2009

Ms. Jane Green
Gordon high school
5 Sandro street
Haifa

Dead Ms. Green,

I saw your article about yough(sp.) that don't join the army or civil service.
I would like to add some information to your article about that, not enough people serve the community

Your article mentions that our country isn't large and powerful enough to allow its citizens not to serve the community. I would like to add that our country surround of Arab countries, which don't like us or even want to kill us. - and so? what is your point here?

In addition, people that don't join the army have an advantage compared to people that serve the community. Someone who doesn't join the army and starts his life has an advantage compared to someone who joined the army at the age of 18-21(Explain - what kind of advantage?). We can't live in such a society.(Explain - why does the society suffer from this?)

To sum up, there are not enough people that join the army and serve the community, which causes a problem to our society. There are different ways to solve it, but I think we should try everything together (This last sentence is n't saying anything. If there are "different ways to slove it", why don't you suggest one? and what do you mean by: "we should try everything together"?).

Sincerely yours,

Shoval Yosef

(78)

Daphna

IDF chief: Every youth must serve

Gabi Ashkenazi, the IDF chief, says that everyone must serve the community . We can't live in a society in which some of the people serve in the army or civil service and some don't. There is no reason that someone who serves will have disadvantage compared to someone who didn't join the army.
He also talked about Gilad, another reason for the shirkers to not join the army and said that they won't stop until they bring him home.

I agree with Gabi Ashkenazi. I think just like him, that everyone should join the army or engage in the civil service. Our country isn't large or powerful enough to allow its citizens not to serve. There are lots of hostile Arab contries around that might attack us just when we least expect it.

In addition, people that don't join the army have an advantage compared to people that serve the community. Someone who shirks the army at the age of 18 has 3 free years to start his life, like studying, working .People who serve in the army can't do that, this phenomenon of shirking the army makes an unstable society.

To sum up, I think every youth has to join the army or serve in civil service. We all have to help our country, even if it looks unimportant to us. That's where we live, and that's what we have to do.

http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3775464,00.html

(87)
Daphna

A try to assassinate Israel's leader

General Security Services arrested in the beginning of the month an Israeli-Arab who lives in the town of Tira that tried to collect for the Hizbullah intelligence on Gabi Ashkenazi. The suspect and Ashkenazi were at the same country club at Kfar Saba, and particularly in that way(phr.) he got his information that passed through the facebook to Hizbullah members.

I think Israel should hit back the Hizbullah, Do something about this case because it can't look weak then Hizbullah might try do attack again. Israel should use its strength and technology to make sure that Hizbulla won't try to attack again.

In addition, Israel should talk to the UN, publish the case and ask for help and maybe premission to attack all the terrorists in Gaza. That way other contries won't "make some noise" (phr.)while Israel gets into Gaza with its military (like in Oferet yezuka).

To sum up, there are many ways and actions that Israel can do(ww.), But the effect will be differernt about each act(phr.). This is all in the leaders' hands, I hope they will havethe right choice.


http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1251145159215&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull


(82)
Daphna

Facebook

The advancement of the 21th century brought new ways to communicate between people around the world. One way is the facebook.That way someone in Israel can meet another person from the other side of the world. In addition, people in facebook are able to make "groups" for/and against something. Sometimes the hate groups are against a specific person.

The damage that the hate groups on the specific person is irreversible. There are many kinds of people, some are sensitive and some are not. There are people, especially kids, with low self confidense that get even worse when they see the hate group about them. They have the right to live without fear about their social situation.

The fact is, that those people don't get the right protection they should have. Facebook owners have to change the policy and remove the option to create hate groups about anything.
To sum up, I think that hate groups are a negative and useless thing . People don't achieve anything good by saying " Hey, i hate xxxx" and it only creates hate and pain. Facebook managers, please remove the option to open hate groups, I am sure many people will thank you for that.

(75)
Daphna

School Uniforms

School uniforms are required in some schools. The administrators make all children wear the same shirts and sometimes even pants, most times with a symbol that represents the school. All pupils have to wear school uniforms and those who do not will be disciplined.

On the one hand, school uniforms are very important, they bring order and discipline. If uniforms are compulsory, people that don't belong to the school, like kids from other schools won't get in. In addition, school uniforms eliminate the gap between the socioeconomic status of the kids who attend a certain school. Some families are rich, so their kids may be able to afford high-end clothing. However, most low income households do not have the budgetary surpluses(phr. - try something simpler) required in order to finance brand named fashion labels. Therefore, madatory(sp.) uniforms may prove beneficial to the student body, socially as well as economically.

On the other hand, School uniforms strip pupils the abilitiy to express themselves through dress, everyone looks the same, kids can express who they are with the clothes they use . Moreover, school uniforms are usually quite uncomfortable, due to the cheap materials from which they are made.

To sum up, I think that school uniforms should be used in school only in special days and events and on other days kids should wear anything they like to give them the feel to be themselves. School uniforms are important, but not that much, sometimes pupils should feel that they are in school, nothing else.

Nice work, although it's evident some of the sentences are not of your own creation. Anyway, you have to go over your work again and rephrase some of your sentences. Also, you need to rephrase your concluding paragraph, since it's too short and too vague.
(75)
Daphna.

Burge McCall

In the begining of the story there is a couple, Burge and Mrs McCall, with a really bad relationship. Burge McCall is fat, short and angry. On the other side his wife, Mrs. McCall is thin, tall and quiet. They never get along and along the story the hate between them grows.

Their relationship roll down and got worst(phr. and gr.). He never spends money on her, but he does on other women. He never acts like she is his wife, From the side it looks like they are forced to be together while they hate each other. One day he slapped her, and on that day Mrs. McCall decided that this has to change

She made him think that she wanted to kill him with poison. That thing made him paranoid and and he was so scared that he just wanted keep her calm. He started to be a better husband and after a while they forgot the hatered, and anger between them.

At the endof the story, their relationship healed, they became the happiest couple in their city.
After he died she even cried a little. she used a simple trick to make him be nice, and it worked.

(70)
Daphna

Peer Pressure

Peer pressure is a common situation that mostly effects teenagers all around the world.
It makes someone do different things then(sp.) he thinks right(phr.), Most of the time by other popular people in his environment. In many schools teachers try to learn teach your their kids not to be dragged by other kids and do things which they think are right.

More Pupils and teenagers give in to a peer pressure and do wrong actions just to be popular and have friends. I think it's wrong because someone that trying to act like someone else won't find real friends and live with a bad feeling that he needs to placate(ww.) the community.

In addition, giving in to peer pressure reduces self confidence. It is very hard to succeed without self confidence, Sometimes it effects the person so strongly that he has to use pills to be cured. Another reson(sp.) is that peer pressure can change the person's life and he will never do what he want(gr.) to, and can understand it after a long time.

To sum up I think that peer pressure is a manifestation we should avoid and not give in to . If we learn how to block the feeling that the peer pressure create(gr.) we will be ourselves. - It's not very clear what exactly you mean in your last sentence.

(65)
Daphna

HomeWork, again?

HomeWork is the way of teachers all around the world t0 make sure their pupils remember the material that is taught in class. Sometimes kids dont prepare the work right or even dont start it at all and the angry teacher just marks a (-) in his notebook.

On the one hand, completing homework will make sure that You remember all the material and are ready for the test. It helps if you practice the last things taught in class and helps the teacher move on to a new subjects faster. Most times the teachers don't finish teaching everything they planned.

On the other hand, Homework is boring and exhausting. Sometimes even confusing. For instance, if a new subject is taught, pupils may have difficulties completing homework, dealing with that very same subject. It might lower a student's self confidence or self esteem.

To sum up, I think teachers should give homework to pupils, but not every day and not too much. Just give enough in order to make sure they won't forget and be prepared for the next lesson.

(85)
Daphna

Space exploration

In the 21th century the technology and science are very advanced. Because of that the quality of life has increased(ww. - imporoved) and got better and better in each generation passed(מיותר). Space exploration is one of the advancements of the last century. Today we don't know much about space and exploring all this "thing"(ww. - it) costs money and time(phr. - "requires a lot time and money").

On the one hand, space exploration is a positive thing. Because of the improvement in satellites, people can watch TV and talk to other people all over the world. Exploring space requires an investment of money and time but help(gr. - helps) many countries to control thier territory and sometimes even watch(ww.) things that will happend in the future like meteor's movements. We can't stop the advancement, our lives demand that.

On the other hand, space exploration cost(gr. - costs) a lot of money and expanded the situation(phr. - "..and expands the gap...") between the advanced countries and 3rd world countries, where people still fight for thier(sp.) lives. In addition, some satellite(s) were destroyed and thier(sp.) parts stay out in the space and dirty(מיותר) pollute space. It looks like we haven't finished exploring our world to the end and we rush into the space, maybe its a bad decision.

To sum up, I think space exploring is a positive thing that should improve along the(מיותר) time, And all the countries in the world should support it .

This is much better, but you still have a few problems with your grammar, spelling and phrasing. Please correct your work again. (80)

Daphna

22/1/09
Dear John,
I heard about your mountain problem, and I identify with you. It sounds really dangerous to climb on a 5000 meters high mountain, and your friends pressure you to do it but you are scared. I think I have two options for you.

On the one hand, climbing on a mountain is kind of dangerous and scary. So, if you think that it's too much just don't climb and don't affect from the pressure from your friends, We live only once and its not worth it to risk your life because of peer pressure.

On the other hand, you are on a camp with your friends and there are many ways to make you safe during the climb. Many people did it before and most of them were not offened.
Climbing on a mountain is a once in a life time experience and doing it with your friends makes it even better.

To sum up, I think you should decide what to do without being affected of the environment. I hope that you will solve the problem and choose the right thing to do for yourself.
Goodluck ,
shoval

This is a good advice letter, although you have to pay attention to your grammar. Please correct your work. (85)
Daphna.

''Oferet Yetzuka''

"In the past two weeks Israel has entered a war in the Gaza strip. After 8 years of sustaining missile fire in Sderot, Israel should defend itself, this is necessary for our independence, even if it makes Israel enter Gaza with infantry. Israel isn't trying to kill any innocent citizens, only to paralyze Hamas and cease the plight of those in the south of Israel.I think that Israel should keep the operation going until it gets to a cease fire with the Hamas. Hamas is trying to gain sympathy from the world, but rightfully isn't successful."